Fanfic Leap
by Kurt
Summary: Sam's leaping around Hannibal fics and setting right what once went wrong. Sam Beckett, you ask? Why no....Samantha Bridges. A parody of Sam's Silence of the Leaper fic.
1. Leaping In

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Author's note: Well, here you are -- the plot bunny sibling Sam alluded to in her a/n for Chapter 2 of her fic (I think it's more like 'horribly deformed twin kept in a wicker basket who pops out and kills people occasionally', but there you go.) This started just because of the similarities in the names 'Sam Beckett' and 'Samantha Bridges'. Really. So Sam took on the serious crossover and I'm just weighing in with this little bit of insanity. Sam liked the idea (insisted is a better word) so I worked up a first chapter, namely these words you're reading here. Mary Sue? Oh, definitely. (Well, Garry Stu in my case.) But, maybe it'll be funny nonetheless. Our first Fanfic Leap episode takes place in Chapter 9 of my own story 'Blood Ties', since one would hope I would know the background of my own fic. (Future episodes may take place in the fics of whatever authors volunteer their fics to be a backdrop – email me if you're interested.) Review if you're interested; I'm not going to pursue this if it isn't funny. So here we go, with tongue tucked most firmly in cheek: 

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Theorizing that fanfic travel within her own fandom was possible, Dr. Samantha Bridges stepped into the Fanfic Leap Accelerator…

And vanished.

She awoke to find herself trapped in the fics, facing mirror images that were not her own, and driven by an unknown force to change the plot for the better. 

Her only companion on this journey is Kurt, an observer from her own reality, who appears in the form of a hologram that only Sam can see and hear. 

And so Dr. Bridges leaps from character to character, striving to set right what once went wrong, and hoping each time that the next Leap will be the Leap home…

The sensation of tingling and blue light embraced Samantha Bridges. For a moment she was able to catch a glimpse of Kurt holding the handlink, other Lecterphiles behind him at the controls of the computer. Then, everything was gone. She was floating in a sea of blue light. Whether it was just a moment or an eternity she could not tell. 

Then, the tingling sensation returned, and Sam felt the crashing reunion of her body and the world. _A _world, anyway. But around her was not the machinery and computers of Project Fanfic Leap. Instead, she was on a bed. The walls were white, but this was pretty clearly a guest bedroom, nothing like the sterile corridors of the project. The project, where devoted Lecterphiles had worked to sunder the walls of reality, so that they might actually be able to enter the world of Dr. Lecter. Sam had been the chief scientist on the project. 

For a moment, she grinned. She was here. She'd done it. But where was here? Which fic was this? Trying to sit up indicated that her arms were tied to the bed. Glancing down at herself indicated she was wearing a white cocktail dress. 

__

Whoa, Sam thought. _I try to leap into Dr. Lecter's world and somehow I'm a bondage prom date. _

On the far wall was a mirror, and Sam was able to look into it. What she saw was spooky. A completely different face looked back at her. Blonde hair instead of red; delicate features. And a rather icky bloody bandage stuck on her forehead. Sam wrinkled her nose at the sight. She opened her mouth and worked her jaw; so did the mirror image. Yes, it was her, but not her own face. How odd. 

Suddenly, a vast rectangle of light opened in the room, and Sam twisted over to look at it. Kurt stepped out of the rectangle of light and surveyed the room. In one hand, he held a Palm VII, which he tapped on occasionally. The rectangle closed behind him.

"There you are," he said. "Took us a while to get a lock on you." 

"Great. Wanna untie me?" Sam asked. 

Kurt shrugged. "Would if I could," he said apologetically, "but I'm a hologram." He waved his hand by the bedpost. His hand promptly passed through the post with no resistance at all. "I'm actually in the imaging chamber, and Saavik is transmitting this signal right to the mesons and neurons of your brain." 

Sam blinked, but the communications method made sense as the only way to reach a Lecterphile once they had leaped into the world of the fics. "Saavik? So she's in Gooshie's role?" 

Kurt frowned and pointed at her. "Ssshhh! Shhh!! Are you trying to get us sued? And no, I just told her I'd give her a 2-liter bottle of vanilla coke if she could figure it out, and she set on it like a starving wolf on a pork chop." 

"Oh," Sam said. "I didn't know you could do that." 

Kurt sighed. "Okay, I admit it. The imaging chamber's just a couple of webcams running off a five-year-old laptop." 

"Well, if you can't untie me maybe you could tell me where I am." 

He tapped on the handlink a few times. "Let's see…according to Effie, you've leaped into an FBI agent named Starling…," 

"Effie?" Sam asked. 

"Yeah, FF.net. I'm hitting 'refresh' and reloading the page." 

"Oh. So I leaped into Clarice. Makes sense." 

"Not exactly," Kurt said. 

The bedroom door opened, and a young woman entered. Sam blinked at her as she came over to the bed. In one hand, she held a doctor's bag. She looked sort of like Jodie Foster, Sam found herself thinking. Her sister or her cousin…or maybe her daughter. Her eyes were maroon, though. She, too, wore a cocktail dress : a black silk sheath, hose, and heels. She sat down on the bed and reached for the bandage. She walked directly through Kurt, whose image rippled as she passed through him. She betrayed no knowledge that he was there. 

On her face was a look of concern mixed with a sardonic little half-smirk. Sam found herself thinking of Dr. Lecter in his cell. She noticed that the other woman's nails were flawlessly polished and suddenly found herself quite nervous. 

"You're awake," the woman said. "You had me worried. I thought you had a fractured skull. Looks like just a concussion, though." Her voice was brisk and nursey. 

"Okey dokey," Kurt said, banging the handlink with his hand. "Yep, definitely. You've leaped into Lisa Starling in the middle of Chapter 9 of my fic 'Blood Ties'…and that woman leaning over you is Susana Alvarez Lecter." 

Sam let her head fall back on the pillow. She stared up at the serial killer leaning over her. "Oh boy." 


	2. The task at hand

                _Author's note:  Well, here's chapter 2.  I've deliberately soft-pedaled the gore in favor of the humor – if it's the gore you want, read the original story 'Blood Ties', there's lots of it there.  _

Sam stared up at the killer leaning over her.  Leaping into a fic had seemed like an awfully good idea at the time.  Now it didn't seem quite such a good idea.  She hadn't planned to end up tied to a bed with Susana Alvarez Lecter leaning over her.  

                "Um…what are you gonna do to me?"  

                "Changing your bandage," Susana said promptly.  "Whatever did you think, Cousin Lisa?"  

                "Look," Sam tried, "there's a mistake here.  I'm not your cousin Lisa."  

                Susana raised an eyebrow.  "You're not?  Perhaps you hit your head harder than I thought."  

                From behind her, Kurt tapped away on the handlink.  It squealed at him.  

                "Damn Windows CE," Kurt said.  "Ah…Sam…you have Lisa's aura.  You look like her to everyone here.  Well, except me.  And back at the project, in the Waiting Room, Lisa is there and she looks just like you."  

                "How does that work?" Sam asked.  

                Kurt shrugged.  "Plot device," he said.  

                "How does that work?  Well, as you may recall you had a little accident.  Following too close.  But now it's time for dinner," Susana explained. 

                "No, no, I was talking to Kurt," Sam explained.  

                Susana removed the bandage.  "Well, the old bandage is so terribly bloody and you need to look good for dinner," she said.  "And who is Kurt?"  

                "Your creator.  He's right over there."  

                Kurt interrupted.  "Sam, she can't see me or hear me.  It's that hologram thing.  That reminds me, Saavik now wants regular coke instead of vanilla coke for getting this running."  

                "My creator?"  Susana seemed amused.  "My, I'm going to have to keep an eye on you, Lisa. Hopefully this will pass.  I have such a _fun evening planned."    _

                Sam closed her eyes and let the killer change the bandage atop her head.  She wondered if it actually looked like there was a wound.  From Susana's look she thought it must.  But her head didn't hurt at all.    But she was having trouble remembering things:  the leap had swiss-cheesed her memory.  There were things she could remember and things she couldn't.   She couldn't help but shake the feeling that there was something she _ought to be remembering.  _

                Susana reached into her bag and extracted a pill bottle.  "Here you are, Cousin Lisa."  

                "Umm…no…that's okay, really."  

                "I insist," Susana said thinly.  "It's just Vicodin, and the dose is perfectly standard."  

                "My dad always taught me never to take candy from strangers or pills from serial killers."  

                "Wise fellow.  However, I'll open your mouth myself and ram it down your gullet with a stick if I must."  

                Sam glanced across the room at Kurt.  "I can't believe you made her this mean," she scolded.  

                "It gets worse," Kurt said, looking slightly abashed.  

                "Who _are you talking to, Lisa?"  Susana took the opportunity to force the pills into Sam's mouth.  "You're beginning to worry me."  _

                "Well, in my reviews I said for you not to kill Lisa, so you get her on a web browser now and make her post a review saying not to kill _me," Sam protested.  _

                "I'm not planning to kill you, Lisa," Susana said, looking down at her captive with some puzzlement.  "But I do think we'll have to keep you under observation.  You're delirious."  

                She untied Sam then and pulled her to her feet, cuffing her hands behind her back and leading her downstairs.  

                "If any Lecter has to have me in handcuffs, why couldn't it be the GD?"  Sam grumbled.  

                "The GD?"  Sam heard a tinge of annoyance in Susana's voice.  This didn't sound good.  

                "The good doctor.  Hannibal Lecter," she tried to explain.  

                "I…see.  You do know that my father's been dead for two and a half years."  

                "Um…sorry to hear that," Sam squeaked.  She felt herself being forced forward, out of the bedroom and out the hallway.  

                "Okay," Kurt said, after consulting the handlink.  "Effie says there's a ninety percent chance that you're here to save Susana."  

                Sam nodded.  "I guess I'm wondering why I would _want to, at this point," she said.  _

                "Well, there's dinner…umm…I guess you don't remember it too well, so we'll skip over that, you'll see…then Ardelia Mapp breaks in and shoots you." 

                Just then, there was a click of static.  A young woman's voice echoed around Kurt.  "_Dun dun dun!" said the voice dramatically. _

                "Saavik," Kurt said patiently, "quit playing with the voice chat."  

                "Awwww," the voice said, seeming disappointed.  "But it was for extra drama!" 

                "Yes, it was.  But we have to worry about figuring out what Sam has to do here."    

                "I don't like this_," Sam said.  _

                "And Susana gets killed in the crossfire…wait, that's not how 'Blood Ties' ended!"  He hit 'refresh' again and pulled up the page.  "Wow…wait a minute…someone is changing the fics on the FF.net server.  Which means since you're here, it's changing history."  

_                "Changing the fics?"  Sam seemed dazed as she was forced down the stairs and towards the dining room.  "That's not good."  _

                "It must be an _eeebil leaper," Saavik's voice chirped in.  _

                "Maybe so, but this is just the first episode," Kurt said.     "We'll get into evil leapers later."  

                A trembling man in a tuxedo awaited the two.  He was sitting in a computer chair, with several strips of duct tape binding him to the chair.  Sam looked at him and tried to remember who he was.  Her memory had been swiss-cheesed.   

                "That's Agent Peter DeGraff," Kurt said.  "Susana kills him."  

                Sam tilted her head and thought.  "Oh yeah," she said.  "The chauvinist."  

                Susana guided her to the chair and sat her down in it, tying her ankles and waist firmly to the legs and back of the chair.  

                "Why, yes," Susana said.  "Agent DeGraff does indeed disapprove of women in law enforcement.  He told me so, while you were sleeping.  But I do have some things to do first."  

                Sam saw a metal cart over by DeGraff and tried to remember the chapter.  _How come I couldn't have leaped into a more recent fic?  _She did remember that something unpleasant happened to Lisa in the fic – actually, a whole lot of unpleasant somethings – and now _she _was Lisa, so that meant it would happen to her.  On the metal cart was a plastic bag with the logo of a Baltimore medical supplies company emblazoned on it.  

                Susana took a bottle of wine and carefully poured three glasses.  Sam noticed suddenly that there was an extra wine glass at each setting.  That probably wasn't good.  But what was it?  Susana sampled the wine and nodded.  

                "d'Yquem is wonderful wine," Susana said.  "From your birth year.  Our birth year, actually.  We share the same birthday, isn't that amusing?"  

                "What are you doing?  Why are you keeping me here?" Sam asked.  

                "What am I doing?  Why, making dinner, of course.  Look around you.  If you ever want to be in Behavioral Sciences permanently, you ought to notice these things, Cousin Lisa."  

                "How about being nice and letting me go?  You let Lisa go in the end of 'Those Who Come After', so how about some…umm…advance niceness?" Sam suggested.  

                Susana's head tilted.  "Whatever are you talking about?"  

                "Ah…Sam," Kurt added, "That's a different fic.  And Susana's not nice in this fic."  

                "You know, Lisa," Susana said as she walked over to the cart, "in the old days, they used to treat insanity by bleeding the patient."  

                From the plastic bag she took a long, sharp needle and a short plastic tube.  Sam cringed.  She _hated _needles.  

                "No, wait," she said breathlessly.  "Can't we talk about this?"  

                "I don't think so," Susana said.  "Doctor's orders."  

                "You're not a doctor," Sam said.  

                "Not yet, no," Susana said.  "But I have to learn somewhere."  

                "Practice on someone else," Sam pleaded.  "Practice on _him.  _He doesn't survive to the end of the chapter.  Or practice on Kurt!  He's a hologram.  You can mess up and it won't hurt him a bit."  

                "Now Lisa, it'll be all right," Susana said.  "I know what I'm doing."    

                "No it won't!  Come on!  What kind of sadistic psychopath could think of doing something like this to somebody?"  

                Kurt was studiously looking off into space as the handlink beeped a few times.  He put his free hand in his pocket and started whistling nonchalantly.  

                "Kurt, she's your character! Make her stop!  I don't want a heart thingy!" 

                "I can't make her stop," Kurt pointed out.  "I'm a hologram."   

                The disembodied voice of Saavik spoke up again.  "All right! Gore!  Need gore…need gore….Go on, Susana.  Do it, do it, do it."  

                "_You're _no help either," Sam scolded. 

                "Well, the project HMO will cover any necessary surgery once we leap you back," Kurt offered.  

                "Some comfort," Sam grumbled.  __

                "Honestly, Lisa," Susana said.  "This will just hurt for a little bit."  

                There were a great deal of complaints, pleading, frenzied shrieks, and promises of great violence towards her holographic observer for having written this scene in the first place from Sam, but eventually, the cardiac catheter was installed and capped off.  

                "My, I didn't realize you had such an extensive vocabulary of profanities," Susana said.   She looked surprised.

                "When needles are involved you'd be amazed," Sam grumbled, glaring openly at the killer.  

                "Well, anyway," Susana said, grinning, "where were we?  Ah yes, we were discussing Agent Degraff's disapproval of women in law enforcement."  She produced a pistol and aimed it at him for a moment before booting the clip and putting it down.  She set about removed DeGraff's cummerbund and opening up his stomach to remove his intestines and cook them.  

                Saavik spoke up again.  "Yes! It's even better the second time around.  Ooooh, gore, goody goody."  

                Sam found herself distinctly not hungry after watching how the meal had been prepared.  "Um…Susana…if you don't mind, I had intestines for lunch.  Could I just skip to dessert, maybe?  You go right ahead."  

                "I'm afraid not," Susana answered.  

                "I don't like this fic at _all," _Sam said vehemently.  

                A tinkle of glass interrupted the conversation. Kurt slapped the handlink, causing it to squeal at him.  

                "Okey doke Sam, that's your cue.  Ardelia Mapp is going to break in and try to arrest Susana.  You have to make sure Susana doesn't get killed in the crossfire."  

                "But I'm tied to the chair," Sam pointed out.  "And wait a minute.  Crossfire?  That means two people shooting."  

                "Well, grab the gun and stop her.  But there's your move."  

                In the meantime, DeGraff had died, and Susana began wheeling his corpse away.  A long strand of intestine trailed behind the tuxedoed corpse.  Sam sighed.  Saavik cheered loudly, expressing her high approval of the gory scene. 

                A shadow appeared in the doorway.  


	3. First Leap accomplished

                Sam flexed her hands nervously.  Susana had freed her from the handcuffs in order to eat.  The vegetables had been decent.  But the intestines hadn't exactly been her idea of a tasty or nutritious meal.  She would occasionally glare at Kurt, who looked slightly uncomfortable.  

                Ardelia Mapp crept into the room and raised her finger to her mouth to _shhh _Sam.  

                "There we are, Sam," Kurt said.  "She gets Susana in the cuffs, beats up on her a little, then you shoot her."  

                "Can she beat up on her some more?" asked Sam.  "She stuck a needle in my heart and made me eat intestines.  I'm a little annoyed with Susie right now."   

                Kurt shook his head.  "Sorry," he said, "that part of history isn't changing.  And don't let her hear you call her that.  Trust me on that one."  

                "Hmmmph," was all Sam replied. 

                "_Shush!" _Ardelia hissed.  

                As Susana returned from the kitchen, Ardelia covered the distance between the two in seconds. Susana was quick to react, but Ardelia was between her and the table. Ardelia struck her with the muzzle of her automatic. Susana fell and landed on the floor. Ardelia was on her in a trice, striking her again with the muzzle of the pistol and cuffing her quickly. 

                "Hey," Sam said.  "Nice job on the collar.  Think you might be willing to untie me from the chair here?"  

                "Ooooh, just a minute," Ardelia said.  "She owes me some payback.  I have waited so long to do this."  

                Ardelia pulled Susana to her feet and slammed her face-first into the table.  Sam winced.  

                "Is that strictly necessary?" she asked.  

                Ardelia ignored her.  "So long," she said.  "For Roland…for my _career…_for your father and what he did to Clarice."  

                "Um, 'Delia, I think you're getting a little carried away there," Sam said, looking around for a knife or something to cut herself free.  None was handy.  There always was in the movies.  

                But the gun was.  Sam picked it up and pointed it at Ardelia.    

                "Okay," she said calmly, "I'm going to have to be a little firmer on this.  No torture.  And no gunplay."  

                Ardelia saw the gun and drew her own, pulling Susana up to shield her.  

                Static clicked around Kurt again.  Another voice spoke up.  

                "Shoot her! Shoot her!  Shoot her now, Sam!"  

                "Saavik, quit asking for more gore," Sam said.  

                There was a brief, wounded sound from offscreen, then the sounds of a short, brutal scuffle taking place back at the project.  A few moments later Saavik spoke up.  

                "That wasn't _me!" _she said in a hurt tone.  "That was Screaming Lamb!"   

                "Sorry," Sam sighed.  

                "I was wrongfully accused," Saavik said dolefully.  "I'm innocent."  

                "We'll give you an extra 2-liter bottle of Coke to make up for it," Kurt offered.  

                That satisfied Saavik, who sat back with the rest to watch the fun back at the Project.

                "Okay," Kurt said.  "Well, good, you stopped Ardelia from torturing Susana to death.  But you haven't leaped yet."  

                "The things I do," Sam said.  

                "Who the hell are you talking to?" Ardelia asked incredulously.  

                "Oh, Kurt, Saavik, Screaming Lamb, all the rest of the Lecterphiles," Sam said nonchalantly.  

                Ardelia glanced around her incredulously.  "There's no one else here," she said.  "Are you crazy?"  

                "Well," Sam said, "Kurt's here but you can't see him.  And the peanut gallery keeps weighing in via audio every now and then."  

                "Heeey!" came a whole protest of female voices from the watching Lecterphiles.  

                Sam turned her head.  "Well, I just had to eat intestines and got a needle rammed in my heart.  I'm a little grumpy," she said.  "C'mon, guys." 

                "You…you're _crazy," _Ardelia said.  

                "No, not really," Sam answered.  "Just a Hannibal fanfic author leaping through fics in the fandom in a tongue-in-cheek parody of _Quantum Leap._"

                Ardelia goggled.  "What…the…hell?"

                Suddenly, Susana swiveled in Ardelia's grasp.  The handcuffs were in one hand, clacking swiftly onto Ardelia's wrist.  She kicked Ardelia's feet out from under her and dived across the table to pluck the pistol from Sam's outstretched hands.  Then she stood up on the table, pistol out and aimed at Ardelia, and fired.  

                "Ooooh, that had to hurt," Saavik's disembodied voice said gleefully.  

                "Very nice, Lisa," Susana said.   "Amazing story you told her there.  A quite inventive story.  Fanfic?  She must've thought you were delusional.  And whatever is _Quantum Leap?  _But thank you for keeping her occupied for me."  

                Sam blinked.  Had all this happened so fast?   

                "You…how did you do that?" she asked.  

                "Well," Susana allowed, "despite what Ridley Scott _may _think, Lecters _do _know how to pick handcuff locks."  

                "Okay, Sam, you did it," Kurt said.  "Susana gets away and Lisa survives.  And they both come back for the sequel."   

                "Doesn't that mean I should--," Sam started. 

                Suddenly, there was a tingling sensation all over her body, and a bright blue light covered her form.  The chair fell away to nothing behind her.    For an instant or an eternity – there was no telling which – she was floating in a weightless blue sea of light.  

                Then she was back in the world, or _a _world.  Another fic.  She glanced at her surroundings in confusion.  It wasn't the Project.  Therefore it had to be another fic.   

                It was a comfortable, rustic little cabin.  The living room, in which she stood, was overwhelmed by a large couch and an old oak desk set at right angles to it.  On the desk was a green shaded and brass desk lamp and a black laptop computer.  A long white phone cord stretched from the back of the laptop and trailed along the wall to the phone jack in the kitchen.  

                Sam looked down at herself and noticed something different.  Around her neck and hanging down from her collar was a red silk tie.  A white dress shirt, black slacks, and wing tips finished off her ensemble.  

                "I'm wearing a tie," she said to herself in the stillness, for there was no one there but her.  "I'm wearing a tie.  And wing tips.  Eek!  I'm a _guy!"  _

                Against the wall was a mirror, framed in the same oak as the table.  Sam approached it and stared at her reflection with wide eyes.   What stared back at her was the not-unattractive face of a man in his early sixties.  His features were delicate, quite well formed.  But there was a look of hardness in this man; a look that suggested he might kill you and serve your entrails to his dinner guests if you crossed him.  

                His eyes were maroon.  

                The rectangle of light opened and Kurt stepped out again.  "There you are.  I guess you've figured out who you are.  They're going _nuts _back at the Project."  

                Sam Bridges stared at the reflection of Dr. Hannibal Lecter.  "Oh boy," she whispered.  Then she began to jump up and down excitedly.  

                "OH BOY, I'M THE GD!!!"  

…

                _Author's note: Well there's the end to our first episode of 'Fanfic Leap'…stay tuned for the next one (I'll tack them all onto the same story, just makes things easier.)   I will freely credit Sam with the description of the cabin – she wrote it, which should tell the discerning reader where the next episode takes place.  (Well we also have to credit Sam with agreeing to star in this lunacy.)  _


	4. Lecterphiles

Samantha Bridges danced a little dance in the small cabin. Her reflection said it all. It was great enough that she didn't even mind the weird sound that happened every time she looked in a mirror. 

"I'm the GD, I'm the GD," she chanted. 

Kurt sighed and punched a button on the handlink. "Yes, you are. Now how about figuring out what you're supposed to do here?" 

"Oooooh, hello, Clarice," Sam said. "Do you know what you look like to me, with your good bag and your cheap shoes?" She giggled. 

"Well," Kurt said calmly, "I guess you're going to be about as calm as the others back at the Project." 

"What do you mean?" Sam asked. 

"You know the hallway outside of the Waiting Room?" 

"Yeah," Sam said. 

"Right now it's sort of like an all-girl version of Lord of the Flies. No one wants to be anywhere but there. It's taking a while to get Effie to figure out where you are and what you're supposed to do, because they're all pulling each other's hair to get in there and feed grapes to Dr. Lecter." 

"Well, _I _know where I am," Sam said. "I wrote this, remember?" 

"Yep," Kurt said. 

"This is Chapter 24 of Incipit Vita Nuova," Sam said proudly. "And the GD…umm…me…umm..well, one of us is building a cell for Emily." 

"Yes, except the fic's been changed," Kurt said, and tapped away busily on the handlink. "Damn, the page cannot be displayed. It's down _again_. Anyways, Effie says there's a seventy-eight percent chance you're here to save Dr. Lecter from being killed by Emily." 

"But she didn't kill him.I know she didn't." 

"Well…she does now. She kills him, she gets declared not guilty by reason of insanity and sent to an institution just like her mom. Spends the rest of her life in there." 

"Emmie? Nooo!" 

"And…well…Mischa gets sent off to a foster home…um…you're _not _going to like this…," Kurt said. 

"What? What happens to Mischa?" 

"She…um…she gets adopted…by…," Kurt swallowed, looking distinctly uncomfortable for a hologram. 

"By who?" panted Sam. 

"By…well…the Chilton family. And she grows up to marry Paul Krendler's son. She has three kids with him. All boys. Paul Krendler II, Frederick Chilton Krendler, and Mason Krendler." He grinned apologetically. "Seems like little Mason is the best-looking of the bunch. Anyway, Mischa does the housewife thing until she's forty, when Krendler's son dumps her for a seventeen-year-old cocktail waitress. In order to survive, she's forced to become…" 

"A prostitute? No! That can't be! My poor little Mischa!" Sam begged. 

"Worse…a Pampered Chef consultant." 

The scream echoed loud and long against the calm walls of the cabin. The glass of the windows and mirror trembled. When it stopped, Sam was sitting on the ground, her face almost as pale as her host's, her hands up around her mouth. Her eyes were wide with shock.

"The horror….the _horror…_," Sam whispered. 

"Well, that's what you're here to fix," Kurt explained. "Now you have to get back to the house now. So while you're doing that, I have to check back at the Project and talk to our visitor and see what's going on." A tap of the handlink and the door opened. Kurt stepped back through it and closed the door. 

The lights of the Imaging Chamber came up slowly, and Kurt proceeded down the hall to the Waiting Room. Waiting for him was a young woman in a lab coat. Her nametag read _Dr. Oftruths. _She was the Project's chief psychologist. 

"G'day, Kurt," she said with an Australian accent. "How is Sam doing?" 

"Oh, she's…all right, LoT. She wasn't terribly happy to hear about what happens to Em and Mischa. How's the Visitor?" 

"Well," she allowed, "the _Visitor_ is just fine…it's the Project staff." 

"How bad is it?" 

"See for yourself," she said, indicating the door beyond which Dr. Hannibal Lecter was currently being kept. 

Outside the hall was a small mob of Lecterphiles, all pushing and fighting to get in the door of the Waiting Room. It took some doing to pass through the mob. Inside was an odd sight. 

Sitting on the bed was what appeared to be a young woman with red hair and blue eyes, looking around the room with a slightly puzzled mean. Around her flocked a bevy of women and younger girls. If you looked closely, though, you could see another image float over the woman on the bed: that of an older man with very pale skin and maroon eyes. He tilted his head at Kurt. 

"Hello," Dr. Hannibal Lecter, disguised in the aura of Samantha Bridges, said. 

"Dr. Lecter," Kurt said, fighting to be heard over the din. "I suppose you're a bit confused here." 

"To say the least," Dr. Lecter agreed. "I was just working on…well…some necessary home renovations….and now I'm here, with all these young women attempting to feed me grapes and run their fingers through my hair." 

Dr. Lecter's lap was highly contested territory, currently occupied by Luna, who snuggled up to him as if he was a teddy bear. 

"It's because we all love you so much," she cooed. 

"Well, Dr. Lecter, you see, this is Project Fanfic Leap, and you've been leaped out of your fic and Samantha Bridges has taken your place. It's this weird quantum physics thing." 

"Ah, I see," Dr. Lecter said. "I do know some of it…Sammie, back at the asylum, was a fan of _Quantum Leap _through the first season." 

Kurt grimaced. "Dr. Lecter, I'm afraid you can't say that here…we might get sued." 

"I see. My apologies." 

"Anyway," Kurt continued, "we're trying to figure out what Sam has to do in order to fix your fic and leap back." 

Dr. Lecter was distracted by Luna whispering something into his ear. He reddened briefly. "No thank you, my dear, but I prefer to eat breakfast alone." 

"Okay," Kurt said calmly, "now c'mon, everyone back to work, we have to work on getting Sam out of there." 

"Sam who?" sighed a few of the Lecterphiles. 

"Hey, wait a minute," Luna said from her place on the doctor's lap. "This is the GD from 'Incipit Vita Nuova', right?" 

"Yes," Kurt said. 

"And there are _all sorts _of fics that have the GD in them. I mean there's a different GD in every one." 

"Yes, there is," Kurt said. 

"So…if we put a whole bunch of people in the Fanfic Leap Accelerator…then couldn't we leap out another GD from every story? Everyone here could have her own!" 

"Theoretically, yes," Kurt hedged, knowing what was coming next. 

The room erupted in chaos. 

"I've got a little brother we can stick in there," Saavik offered. 

"I've got two!" LadyOfTruths countered. 

"Oh, not _you _too," Kurt groaned. 

Brothers, former friends, and ex-boyfriends were all offered up as possible sacrifices to leave stranded in the worlds of fics in order to get their very own copy of the GD. Dr. Lecter simply stared around him in complete befuddlement. 

"If you leap all the GD's out of the fics," Kurt pointed out, "what are we going to read?" 

"If we all get our own copy of the GD," Luna countered, "what makes you think we're going to _read_?" 

Kurt sighed and turned around to leave. "I'm going back to the Imaging Chamber," he said. "There I only have two serial killers to deal with." 


	5. Deliver us from Eeeeebil

                Samantha Bridges stepped out of the Jaguar, feeling oddly pleased with herself.  The Jag was a great performance car.  The ride down had been a lot of fun.  What was upcoming was going to be a little less fun:  she had to confront Emily.  She tried to remember what had happened and found she could not:  the swiss-cheese effect had taken that from her.  

                Kurt appeared suddenly in the passenger seat with a _wshh _of the door to the Imaging Chamber.  

                "Hey," he said.  

                "Hey, check this out," Sam said eagerly.  "This thing _cooks._"  

                "Well, you wouldn't expect the GD to drive a Chevy Citation," Kurt pointed out.  "Now look, according to Effie you have to confront Emily and make her stop killing."  

                "I sorta knew that," Sam said.  "I _did _write this, you know."  

                "Well, she's just killed a techie."  Kurt winced.  "How _very _awful of her.  She killed the guppies too."  

                "So what do I do?"  

                "Well," he said, tapping on the handlink, "You confront her, she tries to knock you out with a wrench.  Here's where history has changed.  She killed Dr. Lecter and they found her running around screaming at the top of her lungs.  Then came the trial, being found insane, and sent to the asylum…and Pampered Chef for little Mischa."  

                "Wait," Sam said importantly, "what about Allie?  She hasn't been conceived yet."  

                "She's never born," Kurt explained.  

                "After all the work I did on that fic, and had FF.net take it down?  No way!"  Sam protested.  

                Sam pulled into the driveway and goggled. Emily was there, just as she had envisioned.  As was a dead techie strapped to a hand truck and parked in Mischa's kiddy pool.  Emily was dancing around the pool.  As Sam pulled in and got out of the Jaguar, she could hear what the other woman was screaming.  

                "Ha ha ha! Die guppies!  Die, die, die!"  

                Sam looked slightly pale.  "That's…not right."  

                "Yes, she murdered the techie," Kurt said, and winced.  

                "Emily," she said.  "Hey, can we have a little chat about your tech-frying habit here?"  

                "Hannibal," Emily said, and her eyes glittered.  "I killed the guppies too.  Don't forget them.  DIE GUPPIES!"  

                Sam inched a little closer.  "Boy oh boy, crazy psychiatrists are work," she grumbled.  Then suddenly, Emily swung hard with a wrench and just barely missed cleaving Sam's skull.  The wrench instead crashed into the headlight of the Lincoln.  Sam winced.  

                "Look at that," Sam protested.  "You just smashed up the car, Emmie.  I know you.  You killed a few people in this fic and that's OK.  But the _car?  _As _my _character you ought to know better."  

                "DIE GUPPIES," Emily shrieked again, and swung at Sam again.  Sam managed to grab her wrist and tried to force her to drop the wrench.  

                "I can't break her wrist," Sam said.  "I know that's what happened, but the GD is a lot stronger than I am."  

                "You could give her an Indian burn," Kurt suggested. 

                "You're a lot of help," Sam grumbled.  

                "Well, I _do _have a little sister, you know."   He grinned.  "Hey…wait.  That was supposed to have killed you.  Now history's changing," he tapped the handlink again.  "OK, Sam, now the neighbors hear the ruckus and send out a cop.  They find out who the GD is, send him back to Chesapeake, send Em off to prison for killing all the people you've got buried in your yard, and Mischa…," 

                "I know, I know," Sam grumbled.  "She marries Krendler and becomes a…," 

                "Well, she still marries Krendler, except now they become televangelists and have their own cable TV show, until the IRS shuts her down.  And she's known for glomping on the mascara.  Mischa Fae Krendler, that's what they call her."  

                "Aaaaaaagh!" Sam screamed.  Then she took another look at Emily and stopped.  

                Emily's face had rippled and changed when Sam touched her.  She was still blonde and had blue eyes.  Except now her face was completely different.  Another woman stood there in Emily's clothes, grinning at her.  

                And now, behind her, stood a very tall woman dressed in black jeans, a black shirt, and a leather vest.  She had curly brown hair and also held a handlink.  

                "OK, Chameleon," the tall woman said, "Goothos says that if you keep screaming 'Die Guppies', you'll attract the attention of the neighbors.  And that'll accomplish what you're here to…," she stopped and stared at Sam.  

                "Sam?  Samantha Bridges?"  

                Sam stared at the two women with equal shock.  "Chameleon?  Steel?"  

                The microphone clicked on again.  "I _told _you it was an _eeeeebil _leaper," Saavik said, sounding quite satisfied with herself.  

                "You mean you're the evil leaper?" Sam asked Chameleon. 

                "Oh, don't look so surprised," Chameleon replied.  

                "But…but…you can't kill the GD," Sam said. "You _made _up rule 1!"  

                "Chameleon, we've been through this," Steel said.  "You know what they'll do to us if you don't finish your job."  

                Chameleon assumed a sorrowful mien and dropped the wrench with a loud _clang_.  "I _have _to, Sam" she said sorrowfully.  "They're forcing me to do this.  They made me an evil leaper…they made me a violator of rule 1….they would've made me a serial killer too, except they ran out of yarn."  

                "Who?"  

                "Project Evil Fanfic Leap," Chameleon said.  "They…they torture both of us if we don't do our evil leaps.  They have…back at PEFL they have a remake of both movies.  Hannibal and Silence of the Lambs."  

                Sam stopped and seemed interested.  "A remake?  Did they fix the ending to Hannibal, maybe?"  

                "No," Chameleon said, and put the back of her hand on her forehead in a melodramatic gesture.  "It's worse.  Far worse."  She drew in a long, shuddering breath.  "In the remake…Clarice is played by Fran Drescher from 'The Nanny'."  

                All four in the garage winced.  

                "And worse…Dr. Lecter is played by…," Chameleon choked back a sob.  

                "By who?" asked Sam.  

                "It's so horrible to remember," Chameleon moaned.  "It's the most horrible sort of torture you could think of.   The movie was made exclusively to torture us…the GD is played by…Pauly Shore."  

                There was a click and another sound as the unseen Goothos expressed displeasure with the minions of Project Evil Fanfic Leap.  It played some choices from the soundtrack of the aforementioned torture remake.  

                "Doctah Lectah, I'm Clarrrrreeece Stahling of the FBI," an _extremely _nasal voice said.  Chameleon shrieked.  Steel put her arms over her head in discomfort.

                "Like, hello, Clarice. They locked me up in this cell because I like ate people.  I totally had the munchies and it was too far to go to 7-11."  An inane giggle followed the man's voice.  

                "No!" Chameleon screamed.  "Please, Goothos! Anything but that!  I'll do it!  DIE GUPPIES DIE!  DIE GUPPIES!  I'm doing it! Make it stop!"  

                Steel jumped in, chorusing "DIE GUPPIES," a few times herself, then stopping.  "Oh, wait.  I'm a hologram.  Only Chameleon and Sam can hear me."

                "Yeah, tough life," Kurt agreed.  "We need a Holograms Union."  

                The torturous voices continued in another scene.  

                "Like, this dude Dumas said something about a crow in some soup.  I think a crow in my soup would be like a _major _bummer, cause they don't wash their birdy little feet, you know?  Anyways Clarice, if you want this serial killer dude all you gotta do is check out the case file. I read it, have you?"  

                "Yes I did, Doctah Lectah," came the nasal drawl.  "Tell me his naaaaaaame."  

                "You need to come with us," came another voice.  "Starling, we're sending you back to Quantico for emergency nasal surgery."  

                "Clarice, you're really babelicious, so here's like your case file.  Huh huh huh."  

                All of a sudden the handlink squealed.  "Sam, this is really weird," Kurt said.  "History's changing all over the place.  Looks like everything goes back to normal, Mischa's fine, Em is fine, they're all fine.  But you gotta knock over Em…um…Chameleon…whatever.  Seems Em leaps back shortly, but she's so emotionally scarred from the two movies they made her watch that she forswears killing ever again.   But you have to knock her over."  

                "Kill her?  I don't want to kill Chameleon."  

                "No, no," Kurt tried to explain.  

                "Or Emmie.  I _like _Emmie."  

                "Yes, we know you do.  No, you have to knock her down.  That way when the neighbors come in they just think Em fell."  

                "What about the dead techie?"  

                "Ah, they think he's just trying to cool off his feet in the pool," Kurt said.  "I never said you had _bright_ neighbors." 

                "Okay," Sam said, observing the neighbors beginning to stick their heads out their window and then amble over.  "So what do I do now?"  

                "Trip her," Kurt suggested. 

                Sam did, finding it a bit hard to believe that all she had to do was trip Chameleon in order to set everything right.  But so it was.  Effie had decreed it.  

                Then the sparkly blue light came down and covered both women, and then they were gone, simul-leaping into the next fic.  


	6. Lying Down on the Job

                _Author's note:  I know, it's been a while since I last updated this, but I'd been working on it off and on for a bit.  Here we go for a hat trick._

The blue light cleared from Samantha Bridges's eyes and she blinked a few times.  She glanced down at herself.  She wore a white uniform.  Medical scrubs, it looked like.  Was she back at the Project?  It didn't seem so.  She had a clipboard in one hand.  The room around her was a storeroom.  On the clipboard was a roster of medical supplies.  Apparently, whoever she'd leaped into had been inventorying the room.  Attached to the paper was a yellow post-it note.  _Flo – the day nurse did not run inventory today.  Please have it back to me NOW.  Penny.  _

"Wow, she sounds like a Nazi," Sam said to herself.  She looked around.  

                A glowing white oblong appeared, and Kurt stepped out of the door with his Palm VII in hand.  In his other he held a lit cigar.  Sam looked at him.  

                "I didn't know you smoked cigars," she said.  

                Kurt shrugged.  "Sometimes," he admitted.   

                "Trying to look more like Dean Stockwell?" she asked, grinning.  

                "Shhhh!  We'll get sued!"  

                "OK, fine," she said, shaking her head.  "How about telling me what I'm doing here playing with the alcohol wipes?"  

                A door opened next to her and a man in similar white scrubs appeared, pushing another man in a wheelchair.  Sam looked at the man in the wheelchair and recognized him as Hannibal Lecter with no surprise.  Kurt glanced over and tapped on the Palm in his hand.  

                "OK, Sam, you've leaped into Florence in Chameleon's fic.  'Maidens and Monsters'.  It's really weird, though.  Usually whatever character you leap into appears in the Fanfic Leap Accelerator.  This time, though…two appeared."  

                Sam let out a groan.  "Didn't you see the episode with the evil leaper, Kurt?  C'mon, it's obvious.  Chameleon leaped with me and there's something we have to do here."  

                "Oh.  OK.  Riiight."  He tapped away on the Palm.  "Things are looking very weird here, though."  

                "How so?"  

                "Well, the problem is that Chameleon never finished this fic.  So whatever you're here to do, you have to do before the chapters that we have.  Otherwise…we don't know.  You could be trapped in limbo, forever."  

                Sam pulled a face.  "That doesn't sound good," she said.  "Now wait a minute…did you say I leaped into Florence?"  

                "Yes, that's her," Kurt said.  "The Project staff has her in the Waiting Room now."  

                An excited look came into Sam's eyes.  "Wait, then!  I read this fic!  We have to stay in this fic until chapter fifteen!"  

                "Why chapter fifteen?" he asked.  

                Sam bounced up and down excitedly.  "Because in chapter fifteen, Florence gets to have sex with the GD!"  

                "Ah…Sam…I know you'd like that, but there's only sixteen chapters in the story.  It'd be dangerous."  

                "Who cares?"  Then she glanced over at where Hannibal Lecter was being wheeled into his room.  "Oh my God!  He's in the hospital!  I'm his _nurse!  _I can do whatever I want with him _right now_!  And it gets mooshy about here, doesn't it?"  

                "Well, yes, but what about the leap?  About fixing history and all that?"  

                "Leap, schmeap," Samantha said, her eyes gleaming.  She headed into Hannibal Lecter's room with a gleam in her eye.  

                "Ah, Sam, I know you're excited about this and all, but really, Effie's trying to figure out what's going on.  You can't give up on the leap just to do the deed with Dr. Lecter."  

                Sam turned.  "And what are _you _going to do about it, hologram?" she asked saucily.  "C'mon.  Just go back to the Project for a little while Effie figures it out.  Just turn down the Imaging Chamber lights for a while, if you catch my drift."  

                Kurt sighed.  "First off, OK, have your fun.  But secondly, do you think for a moment that the other Lecterphiles _aren't _gluing themselves to the monitor right now?"    

                "I'm sorry," Sam said, grinning.  "My patient needs some…intensive care.  Private therapy." 

                "You're not a nurse," Kurt pointed out.  

                "I'll play it by ear.  This is an exacting procedure.  We need privacy."  

                "Sam," Kurt said, "you _do _have a job here."  

                "I know.  I'm doing it.  Go away.  We'll worry about the leap later."   

                "All right," Kurt said.  "But…um…what are the latex gloves for?"  

                Sam's grin grew wider and hungrier, but she did not reply.

                The physical therapist in the room chatted with Sam for a while.  

                "Ok, Flo, I worked our good Mr. Kline here pretty hard today, so you need to take it easy on him.  Maybe even give him a massage tonight. Then after that you might want to give me a massage.  I might be a bit sore."     

                "Oh, _I'll _take care of the patient, all right," Sam said.  The physical therapist walked out of the room, looking back at the door with a puzzled look.  

                "Jeez, Flo, you don't have to _push _like that," he said.  "What's with her?"  

                "Whatever it is," Kurt told the physical therapist, "I don't think it's covered by his HMO."  Then he re-entered the Imaging Chamber and disappeared.  

                Dr. Lecter's voice echoed from his hospital room.   "Florence," he purred.  "Tell me, Florence, how does it feel to be all alone in the world?"  Then he stopped for a moment.  "Florence?  What are you doing?"  

                "Taking your temperature," Sam said breathily.

                …

                The room was dimly lit.  Rows and rows of cases filled the room.  In each case was serial-killer memorabilia.  Guns and knives, the night-vision goggles of Jame Gumb, a swatch of hair from Charles Manson, a portrait of Elizabeth Bathory.  All lovingly displayed with a small plaque next to each item displaying where it was from.  It was a museum of murder.  

                The glowing white door opened and Kurt stepped out.  Since both Florence and Clarice had appeared in the Waiting Room, they had been slightly surprised.  But once they'd locked onto Sam as having leaped into Florence, it didn't exactly take Dr. Lecter-level genius to figure out whom Chameleon had leaped into.  

                The images on the screen of the Palm VII made Kurt nervous as he looked around and gestured a little bit like Dean Stockwell with his cigar (but not enough to get sued.)  Where the heck was she?  Ah, there she was, stretched out on a prison bunk.  She looked at him and stretched out her arms.  

                "Chameleon," he said.  "Good, there you are.  You're out of Project Evil Fanfic Leap and part of Project Good Fanfic Leap."  

                "Really?" Chameleon said.  "Well, good.  No more torture movie."  She yawned and put her feet up on the bunk.  

                "Look, I just saw Sam," he said.  "She's leaped into Florence, and you've leaped into Clarice in your own fic.  'Maidens and Monsters'."  

                "I figured that," Chameleon said.  "I _did _write this."  

                "Well, anyway, we need to figure out what you need to do here and get out.  Now you're locked in this cell, but we know that Curtis Varmser is going to get you out of here eventually.  So when he does, bash him and get out of here as quick as you can."  

                Chameleon considered for a moment.  "Nah," she said.  "Not yet."  

                "What?  How can you say that?  The guy's a total nutbag, and he's dangerous."  

                Chameleon sighed contentedly.  "You don't understand," she said calmly.  "I've been doing nothing but work, work, work."  

                "But he's dangerous."  

                "Yeah," Chameleon said.  "But it's so nice and…quiet here."  A beatific smile crossed her face.  She stretched out on the prison cot.  "No one I have to train, no one saying 'Chameleon, I need a void', 'Chameleon, can I go on break?', 'Chameleon, I need this or that'.  Look, when you work in retail, being held hostage _rocks_._"  _

"But what about the leap?  There's something we have to do here, Cham."  

                "Find out what it is and call me later," Chameleon yawned.  Her eyes closed.  

                Kurt sighed.  "We got a situation to fix and two leapers lying down on the job," he grumbled.  His only answer was a loud snoring.   The Imaging Chamber door opened, and Kurt stepped through it and disappeared.  


End file.
